terrifiednow
Registered on
Mar-21-2006
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Message #10849 posted by terrifiednow (Info) March 21, 2006 14:42:16 ET
Last night, one of my friends asked me to go smoke some weed with
her. I had done it about 6 times before, most recently this past weekend.
I don't think this matters, but it was the first time that I smoked it
without being drunk first. Well, the first few hits were weird, because
my throat felt like it closed and i couldnt talk. this has never
happened before, but i blamed it on the fact that i hadnt been drinking. so i
continued to smoke and i did more than i ever have, but my friend told
me to keep taking hits bc she said i had only done a little and there
was no way i could be that high yet. she has had much more experience
with weed than i have. so first i was laughing histerically, things were
good, i kept thinking "ive never been this blitzed before, its
hilarious". but then i felt like i was going to fall down so i told my friend
that i couldnt smoke anymore. she said, "come on one more hit" so i did,
and then about 5 minutes later, it was like my life was ripped away
from me. first it was like time was messed up and my friends
kept repeating the same sentences over and over. then i started having
seizures and it felt like i was trapped inside of a kaleidoscope, i fell
to the ground and stared in terror at the world around me. i
had an internal battle between heaven and hell, i kept asking god to
help me and i thought that satan was everywhere, trying to pull me into
hell forever. it was like nothing was real, i wanted to touch my friends
but they were fake. my hands were shaking uncontrollably and felt cold
as ice. i kept sliding them up and down my friend's arms, trying to
pull myself back to reality. then i felt that i could stand up again. i
did, and i started to crying, saying "im so sorry, im such a fucking
idiot, whats wrong with me, why am i doing this?" as i kept walking, i
became terrified again. the best way i can describe it is that it was like
i was surrounded by a movie screen, i could see my friends (spinning,
but still see them), but they were merely projections, or on tv, and i
was separate from them, in the real world, so i couldnt touch them. when
they talked it sounded like it as coming from far away and when i
talked it sounded like i was in a box so my voice was very loud and near to
me. i knew that no matter how hard i tried, i could not make them
understand that they were fake, because they were convinced that they were
real. after feeling like this for what seemed like hrs, but was
apparently only minutes, i fell down once more and entered another panic attack
like the first one, with hell swirling around me and being completely
unable to function. something was telling me that i was going to die and
there was nothing that anyone could do. i whimpered, "help...hospital...no death" because this was all that i could get out, but my friends
didnt want to bring me, in fear of getting in trouble. this panic attack lasted longer but my friend felt i shouldnt be doing this outside: it
was late, but there were cars, and she didnt want someone to find out
what was going on. so snuck me up a back stairwell of our college dorm
and into her room. at this point, i was completely paranoid and
everything was still fake. i told her i needed to break something. she gave me
a pillow and i began tearing at it. for a while, i just stared at one
point in the room, not blinking, and unable to move or look away, even
though my friend was trying to snap me out of it. then i returned to the
previous state and if i wasnt breaking something or clapping and
stomping, then i felt like reality was slipping away from me. i suddenly felt
extremely cynical and morbid. i began speaking to my friend in broken
sentences, in a very harsh and condescending manner. i went on about how
my life was ruined and no one would love me anymore, i would be kicked
out of school and my parents would disown me. i told her i wanted to
die and asked for something to cut my wrists with. it was very odd, i was
laughing about killing myself, like, "so there, satan, ill do it before
you get to, what do you think of that?" i was very pleased with the
idea. well i went on like this for quite a while, switching in and out of
extreme panic and hallucinations, and an extreme desire for death. the
entire time, everything was still fake but me. it had been three hours
since i took my first hit and i was sure i would either die or be
trapped in this world forever. the seizures persisted and i said it felt
like i was in one of those vibrating chairs, or in an earthquake. finally,
my friend called one of my other friends, K, who i trust in very deeply
and who has had much more experience with different kinds of drugs and
episodes. i asked him for help and he told me to go to sleep, but i
absolutely refused. every time i closed my eyes, it felt like the world
was slipping away from me, that i was falling into a black hole and would
surely die and go to hell. but he was very persistent, after he kept
yelling at me to go to sleep, i finally gave up refusing and i let
myself go. i felt the phone drop out of my hand and i fell to the floor from
the chair i had been in. my friends picked up the phone and i could
hear them flipping out, asking what to do and saying that i had suddenly
passed out. i wanted to tell them that it was better this way, that i
was listening to K and that they should just leave me alone, but i could
not open my mouth to speak. thank god she called K, because he is the
only one i would have listened to. it seemed like it took an incredibly
long time to get to sleep; for the longest time, i could hear
everything around me but not react to it. im assuming i fell asleep, because the
next thing i remember is my friend lifting my head and giving me a
different pillow. panic set in once more and i didnt want to see anything
or anyone to touch me. i wanted perfect silence and darkness. the next
time she woke me up, i felt completely numb to any though or emotions.
she told me to go back to my own dorm room, which was just one floor
above, and i obeyed her. i slammed open my door, to the surprise of my
roommate and her boyfriend, and i turned off the lights on them and
passed out on my bed, without changing clothes or talking to anyone. the
last thing i remember before waking up today is hearing my roommate and
her boyfriend whispering about me.
now i am still shaky and i feel as though i drank way too much
coffee; i am jittery and a little panicky. but i have a pretty good sense of
reality. sometimes it looks like something is fake again, and i cannot
keep track of time, but other than that, i am ok. i feel a lot better.
i feel like there is no one i can talk to because they could never
understand what i went through. i talked to my best friend Amelia
today, who was not there last night. she also smokes pot and she said that
there is no way that weed alone could have done this to me and that it
must have been laced with something. but my other friends who smoked
with me did not have the same problem. therefore, i am wondering why this
happened to me alone. do i have a disorder? was it just an extra strong
batch?
sorry to write a novel, but i wanted to give a full picture of what happened.
Any help or comments would be greatly appreciated! Thanks!
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